In an attempt to find what is good about me, I began telling this story. It’s not completely finished. I could use some feedback. I’m in junior high. I don’t want to be me. I want to be anyone but me. It’s so much easier to pick out my flaws than to find something good […]

Thoughts at a Party

The words are never there. I’m there; at least I think I’m there. I see people’s mouths move in conversation, their words flowing effortlessly. I want to be a part of it; the laughing, the gasping, the thrill, the intrigue. But the words are never there. I stare hopelessly at my fellow human beings. What […]

On Brennan Manning's "A Glimpse of Jesus"

On Brennan Manning’s “A Glimpse of Jesus”

Have you ever found yourself saying or thinking: “I hate myself.” “Why can’t I be more like so-and-so?” “I’m such an idiot!” “I keep making stupid mistakes.” “I can’t do anything right.” “I’m a failure.” “I don’t deserve to exist.” ? I’ve said these things to myself many times before. In fact, it was merely […]

God’s Calling for My Life

Jesus says in the gospel of John (8:32), “you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” All my adult life I’ve been seeking truth. Sometimes I’ve sought it in order to win a theological argument. Other times I’ve been driven toward the truth by my own spiritual doubts. Yet each time […]

Christian Experience Essay

My story is not smooth and straight but full of sharp, uneven points and rough, dirt-stained surfaces. My story hangs on the hinges of mercy and grace. My story is like a long, ardent race that I had not prepared for so my body has been worn and bears the scars from the injuries I […]


I need to write something, anything. But my thoughts only seem to fall into writing mode sometimes. Sometimes the world around me is flooded with rapturous joy Sometimes my most haunting fears are miles and miles behind me Sometimes a resounding symphony takes hold and captivates me Sometimes I’m paralyzed by the comfort of a […]

What is Community?

Dear Rose, I know where my greatest poverty lies. It is in my failure to find community. You see, community means being around people, sharing thoughts, and affirming one another’s existance. Without it the loneliness overwhelms and I start to think no one wants to hang out with me. Community means accepting one another where […]


If I am lost then come find me Weeping beside the willow tree On mountains high or by the sea Where brokenness is beauty If I am lost then set me free From prison cells made of me From the pain of self injury And the fear of what might be If I am lost […]

Keep Living, Clara

I made this recording as an introduction to the annotated Mozart journal I’m writing. The journal covers the onset of my mental illness and just before (2002-’03). She’s in France. She thinks she can stay there forever and that everything’s going to turn out all right. She has no idea what’s really about to happen. Here […]

Dear Rose,

You want to know something funny? I actually started writing this memoir when I was 22 and traveling around Europe with our French friend. I’d bought this Mozart journal in Salzburg at one of the Mozart museums and had begun writing about my past while on the train to Innsbruck. I didn’t really know why I was writing it. For me it was just a way to pass time. Not that my story was very interesting back then.

Another strange thing is that I haven’t kept a steady diary since 2008. That was the same year I stopped self-injuring, remember? Then I moved home and began transcribing all my diaries on the computer. Again I wasn’t sure why.

Then, last night I talked with another friend. I told him how hard it was remembering things and how the writing in my diaries was so much better than what I was coming up with now. So he told me to use my diaries and just fill in the blanks with narrative where narrative was needed.

I feel slightly guilty doing that because it seems kind of lazy to me. Maybe it is. But I’m doing it anyway. I’ll send you a copy of the Mozart journal when it is finished.


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